Sudden boredom syndrome
Wednesday 9th November, 2011 - 11:08pm with 2 comments
I hope this isn’t serious, I don’t know where to write about it but I felt like I had to empty my head. Lately, since about two weeks ago, I’ve been feeling very bored. It’s not that I have nothing to do. I have many things to do but every time I try and get into them, they aren’t fun anymore.
I used to want to endlessly make icons from Doctor Who screencaps. Now I can’t be bothered pulling up an episode and playing around in Photoshop. I haven’t felt up for even making a bunch of link buttons for fanlistings and it doesn’t even take ten minutes. I do chores and it doesn’t bother me and I just do them because I have to, I no longer complain or have bitter feelings about them. I feel like blogging is suddenly kind of boring, and it’s just something I do as a ritual and I don’t really look forward to it.
Alexithymia maybe? No, I doubt it. Because I can express my feelings with words. :/
I watch Futurama endlessly, am amused, but at the end of the day I just say I’ve finished watching a whole season and I’m just relieved that I passed the time. I feel like nothing really excites me anymore, nothing is as interesting as it once was.
I feel like I’m craving some kind of social interaction, for a change, but when I get it, I hate it. For instance, today at the bar I could have chatted and talked it up with everyone but I looked outside the window. Pretty much the whole time. Even if I had had a drink, I just couldn’t pull myself into the conversation. Maybe I wasn’t tired. I much preferred the group with just me, Johnny and Fern.
I feel like I need to talk to friends, but they’re not available, or when I get the chance, I don’t know what to talk about or what to bring up.
I hope I’m not falling into depression again. Sometimes I sit there and do nothing. Sometimes I dance, or exercise, but only for a bit, before I feel like just sitting there and doing something that probably is useless. I feel like I need something to pass the time or maybe I just need to relax.
I don’t feel an ounce of stress, I feel just kind of empty.
I also miss a lot of my friends. I don’t know if I should reach out, because I suddenly feel awkward when I just chat up with some of them. I don’t know, I hope I rekindle my love with everything. I really do feel physically empty. I’ve even lost my appetite. I have been staring into space a lot lately.
I feel like something is wrong. I don’t know what, but I need to find out.
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If this is real, I’m a fake.
Sunday 25th September, 2011 - 2:09pm with 0 comments
I can’t stand it anymore. I’m sick of trying everything I can not to do. I can’t hug myself and feel okay. I can’t do something immediately to forget it. I can’t scribble or draw or write to empty my head. I can’t tear up paper or throw a few things to make myself feel better. I can’t even cry anymore. I just can’t. I’ve cried until I’ve choked and, I had nobody. So I went and did it, except I didn’t draw blood. I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to jump off a bridge just to know what it feels like to free fall and not worry about anything.
At all.
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When I wake up my resilience fades
Friday 16th September, 2011 - 8:20am with 0 comments
Truth be told I miss you.
I’m not lying.
I miss all that stuff you used to do. And I guess I understand… I do understand. And that’s fine, if you won’t do it again. I’m not asking. But please, turn around and smile at me some time.
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these four words might help.
Friday 26th August, 2011 - 10:13pm with 0 comments
You know the feeling when your heart just kind of sinks.
No, that’s not it.
You know the feeling when your heart is a melted mess.
No, that’s not it either. It’s difficult. It’s hard to explain. So are you. Will I ever do anything for you again? Will I ever write these words, no matter how bitter, how sweet, again? This is the path you chose. If that’s all it will ever be, I’ll remember, and knowing you, you won’t. You wouldn’t even try.
Everyone knows that you’re only pretty on the outside.
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your tongue controls your mind
Tuesday 23rd August, 2011 - 9:55pm with 0 comments
Hey. Haha, hey.
Do I really take things too personally. Right now I kind of get teary thinking about it. I keep asking, like, why does it always happen to me. I called him everything under the sun, I said that what we have is love/hate. Haha. Yeah. Is it supposed to matter to me anymore? I’m trying not to care, but I can’t help but feel a bit ripped up inside.
Is it really my fault I exist? Yeah, it’s a stupid question and I guess you have to ask how much I have to curse my existence for ruining several of my relationships. Or maybe, as usual, I’m overreacting and again need to stop taking things so personally. It’s like people can’t be normal the more I try to be myself. I don’t even try… just being, just being myself seems to tick people off.
It’s hard to be blank, I admire how you’re rarely angry. I just get so emotional and moody. In a sense I’m probably like him? Oh god.
Stupid.
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The self-hug
Saturday 20th August, 2011 - 12:24pm with 0 comments
And I wrote.
Dear Georgina,
Everything is going to be alright.
Love, yourself
It’s hard, that’s all. It drizzled a bit today as I put the clothes out. I started talking to myself, about him. Will people change? I feel like he has, or he’s just put on a facade. All this time, or just now, I won’t know. Can one person be so fake and yet like an enigma?
I looked outside the door, just momentarily, and I saw someone walk past. Is it weird that often I wonder who just chooses to walk past me in this world, or who just… does it without choosing?
Can you really love and hate someone at the same time? Right now, I see it. I can tell. You can. Well, I do.
The sun came out after I went inside and I guess I thought, there’s a dark side to everyone – there is also a light side. Sometimes you have to go on and deal with it and then it’ll be alright. And perhaps, people will also change.
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In sickness and in health
Wednesday 10th August, 2011 - 10:34pm with 0 comments
Psyllium husk has been my friend today, and made my stomach feel better.
I went to sleep last night with wet hair. It was so damn cold, but in the morning my hair was really soft. That was worth it, I guess.
I sort of wish the weather would get warmer, but at the same time I want it to stay cold so I can bring noodles or soup in a thermos. And so that I can run from the station to university without sweating like mad. I want to walk up 25-odd levels of stairs and feel good about it. Aw yea.
I need to have a lot of thoughts about university and plan days and weeks in advance. I am at that point where I feel like I am “getting there”, nearly at the end, but also becoming as organised as I can possibly be. Getting more sleep, more head rest, more thought time.
I hope my digestive system is nice to me tomorrow.
I painted my nails multi coloured – red, yellow, green, blue, silver. And I hope that it keeps me cheery. It reminds me of candy. And I guess that’s all I need – I’m off candy, but I’m up for anything that puts a smile on my face.
I dislike being ill. But I’ll be alright. :D
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People, part II
Thursday 4th August, 2011 - 11:25pm with 0 comments
Sometimes don’t understand.
I’ll walk up many flights of stairs.
I’ll run back down.
I’ll walk in the park. I’ll watch the clouds.
I’ll listen to music.
The times.
I’ll find the peace and quiet. Away from this collective noun.
Whatever.
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I just want it to be fucking ok
Tuesday 28th June, 2011 - 10:59am with 0 comments
Like I said. I rarely write “okay” as “ok”.
Somewhere in this… It is good to know my brother somehow feels the same.
I want us to get along. It is my one and only wish. To get along. Because from there you can find the real love and happiness one would expect from the word “family”.
I wish you fucking knew.
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dearest,
Saturday 25th June, 2011 - 12:39am with 0 comments
just know I care about you. No matter how stupid I say you are… no matter how much you try to push me away, I won’t go away. I don’t care if you don’t even try because I’m just going to be there. I’m holding on enough for both of us and if that’s what you want, fine. This is what I want and I’m holding on for as long as I can.
Clingy? Your fault. I’m not holding onto the last, but if you don’t try, I will be. ily