talking to a glass wall
Friday 24th June, 2011 - 12:09am with 0 comments
you’re there. you can hear me, but I don’t know if you’re listening.
or maybe you can hear me.
or maybe I can’t hear you.
nothing echoes back.
I’m saying goodbye. but just know that I miss you ok
I rarely ever type “okay” as “ok”.
okay
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When I went back to you
Tuesday 21st June, 2011 - 11:18pm with 0 comments
I wonder…
“I’m not trying to deem myself of high importance in his life; I’m probably not. I guess I care if I matter, and I wonder if I matter, but I don’t question it directly.”
You said I matter. I don’t know, those words linger in the air. I just want you to know I care about you. I miss you from time to time, not to the extent that you’ll disown me like you say you will. I want to say, “I’m here if you want to talk”, but I don’t know if you want to. You’re worth fighting for, like very few people I know. I’m sorry for the superfluous arguments we had.
rawr.
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Options concerning sleep
Thursday 16th June, 2011 - 12:54am with 0 comments
- stay up until I am completely dead, not do anything productive and be mainly groggy until then, risk getting angry tomorrow
- sleep now, worry about everything tomorrow when I’m all nice and fresh and get on with my day like normal
- stay up for a bit, be groggy, get up and get on with my day like normal but be angry for not getting enough sleep
- sleep now, wake up very early, bum around on the computer for a period of time, go back to sleep and wake up like normal
- That I met Ben Jorgensen.
- That I own the fanlisting for the Smashing Pumpkins.
- I’m actually in university… this still gets me every day, knowing I actually made it.
- That I still talk to Lilian and have her as my best friend after years and years of high school and despite only seeing each other about once a year.
- That I’m still with James. I just feel so lucky. ♥
- That I actually have an idea of what I want to do when I graduate. I’ve never been so confident about all my decisions before.
- That I actually want to do a Masters degree. Back in high school I would have just wanted to butt out; I was failing so hard and I hated education. A lot.
- That I have had the same job for three years, and it’s my first ever job too. I’m not getting bored, and I’m starting to like it? Why can’t full-time work be like this? Well, I hope it is. Or will be.
- My laptop has lasted two years. I just can’t shake the thought. Fin is such a strong bastard. xD
- I lost my iPhone only three months ago. It drove me fucking insane and I know the thief is out there somewhere. Rotting in hell, hopefully.
- That I’m here at all. Five years ago, I self harmed and became suicidal. I didn’t want to live. I just wanted everything to end. It makes me cry to think about it. I’m lucky. And I found myself help. I don’t have a single thought of hurting myself. I always have hope and belief that I am strong and I can pick myself up and go on. And I can’t believe I got myself out of that hole. With helping hands. But still, part of that was because I made the decision to get out of there.
- Typography: 4
- Scribble/drawing style: 3
- Photography: 6
- Artistic: 7
Note: I like mornings, and I dislike nights.
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To the girl who used to write letters to domains
Monday 13th June, 2011 - 1:51pm with 0 comments
Hey. When did that stop, why? You ought to write some more.
I’m keeping the stuff from Woodnotes.org, even though I’m going to let the domain expire.
Moved fanlistings: Hey Jude · While My Guitar Gently Weeps · Wish You Were Here
I’m going to miss the domain, dearly, but I can’t afford to renew it and I don’t have a lot of interest in it. I don’t even know what to do with it now that glassfields serves as my thought dump and writing-place. But that’s alright. Good while it lasted, correct?
The things I write are different; yes, this blog was supposed to be a cleaner and better version of Woodnotes – I guess in doing that, I took out the endless to-do listage I used to do there. But at least I’m not entirely riddling this blog with everything I need to do. Roranicus, my phone, does a good job of keeping track of that.
And I do like my Monthly Goals idea.
One step at a time, aye?
Posted in Contemplation, Other, Website | No Comments
untitled #1
Monday 6th June, 2011 - 7:42pm with 0 comments
I’m typing this on the train. I think that there are many things crossing my mind right now like how I’ll go about posting this. Like the interview I had about an hour ago. Like… I do not even know.
And then remembering the fury through my head that no longer exists. And then recalling every time I did something like that and oh, well, sorry I got in trouble. Sure.
I’m sorry to the people around me I guess. I’m not really sorry for what I did. I did it anyway so what’s the point? I clearly intended to do so, at least, in the two cases I can remember.
I want to live on a farm and just sleep forever. Away from what is the civilisation that I encounter in daily life. Really terrible.
Sometimes I don’t know what I get myself into, but at the same time I know the next day will bring something better. Yeah, it’s a mystery alright, but it’ll be a gift at some point. I don’t know if I care about that either.
I’m hearing two guys in front of me have a chat. They seem to have just met, or met only recently, because they’re asking each other about where they live. There’s a man texting over on my right, some distance forward. He looks like an old version of Graham Coxon. Ruffled dark hair, glasses. Could just be the glasses, but his nose has that rigid resemblance. Perhaps if he chopped his fringe straight he’d look more like the dorky British musician I’ve come to love.
Oh, Greenstone. I deleted you earlier today. Uninstalled. Gone. Every trace of the program, at least, from my computer. Sure, missus, you’re hard-backed, broad-shouldered, can take shit. Well, I’ve had enough of taking yours that I can’t even be bothered spending time giving you shit to take.
I realise I am almost halfway through my train trip, and then I forget why I started typing – momentarily – and then I remember that I was annoyed, and no longer am.
I don’t know how hard it is to be thick-skinned from being a sensitive and fragile being. I feel like I’m getting there, but I’m afraid of saying so in the case that someone hacks off my arm and tells me that I’m not. Why? Because I know it’ll hurt, I know then, that they are right. And I don’t know how much of my life is spent proving people I am wrong. Yeah, I can be wrong, and I don’t mind being wrong – but it is when someone says something, sometimes, that isn’t – that I want to prove it’s not.
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The Salmon of Doubt
Friday 27th May, 2011 - 8:30am with 0 comments
I think the hardest thing for me to do was usually letting go of websites. Be it domains or fanlistings or even just deleting pages from my websites when it was time for a clean.
Now I think differently. If I have to let it go, I have to let it go. And usually it’s not even that I have to; it’s that I have the slightest thought of letting go of something and I know that if I’m even contemplating that thought, it should go. Because you shouldn’t be in doubt when you love something.
You shouldn’t be in doubt at all.
Um, and how did this week go by so fast?
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Eleven things I still have trouble believing.
Friday 13th May, 2011 - 10:08pm with 0 comments
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Now this is platonic.
Wednesday 6th April, 2011 - 1:23pm with 0 comments
I swear it is, it’s just that friendly love you get with those who mean the world to you; you don’t love them in a romantic way but you just love them, and that’s that. You’ll have good times together making each other laugh, comforting each other when one of you is down; and I promise and I swear that it won’t go another way.
Well I say that because I have romantic love with someone, have for a while, and that won’t change. And that, in itself, a platonic element of friendship too. It’s just another step ahead and it would only make sense to love one person in that way. It would be logical.
And then I come to think of how I miss people. Yeah, we all miss our friends. It’s not bad at all. But in crying when you miss someone, do you miss them that much? I try to think back. I try to think back but I’m not sure if I can compare. No, I can’t. I ought to just sit where I am now, be appreciative of what I have, smile about it… because smiling will keep me from crying.
People matter. My friends matter. It’s okay to cry if I miss them.
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Over my head
Wednesday 30th March, 2011 - 2:11pm with 0 comments
Five years ago, I liked a guy. We dated for a while. It was very on-and-off. For over a year I kept telling myself we’d be ‘on’ again, but no, I wouldn’t bring myself to think of us being ‘off’, forever.
So in that time I was in the dark many people tried to help me and I’d either push them away or fall for it, and they never gave me the light I was looking for. And I wouldn’t ever find the same switch again but I wouldn’t know.
I’m hearing my dad mowing the lawn now and I think that those sounds kind of expressed the passion of my pain; the sounds just a growling ache that tried and successfully ripped at what tried to grow. I tried to grow a thick skin and I guess I just mowed out all the grass there ever was and there was no strength left of myself apart from the strength that I used to scream and yell and cry about what was incredulously stupid.
I start thinking of Pelican Blood and aligning the plot with the feelings I had, which don’t really equate with much of how I should have felt.
Years on we’ve bumped into each other once, and have the occasional conversation via instant messaging. Do I care? Well, he’s not gone. And I know for a fact that that light isn’t coming back. The switch burned out in the house fire and I threw everything away and moved on. And I don’t know what to think anymore, I don’t know why I bother.
He hasn’t gone, so there is a reason why he is still here even just to still be classified as a ‘friend’. Not among the friends I can count on the fingers of my hands as being the people that matter to me the most, though he might have been there for some time. I don’t try to have friends, and I’m not trying to keep him. I’m not attached, and as I said: it’s ‘off’.
I feel like, in the words of my mother, I cannot be bullied. I won’t let people bully me. In that, and in everything that I went through in 2006, 2007, and what more, I feel like my voice is the answer to every opportunity there is for someone to treat me like I am not me. Because I’m not changing for people, and I won’t give in anymore. I don’t want people to go about thinking I’m something disposable that they can use when they see fit. Perhaps I do have to prove I’m better than the people who treat me like crap.
Posted in Contemplation, Friends, Love | No Comments
The division of layout styles
Thursday 17th February, 2011 - 9:08pm with 0 comments
Looking at my past layouts at Heartdrops.org, it’s quite interesting to see the different styles I adopted.
It’s funny how my style changes over time. I do like using my own photography for layouts, especially on fanlisting layouts. But when it comes to layouts on Heartdrops, I think I prefer jazzing things up with brushes and textures and whatnot. I feel like that’s where I get most creative. On my fanlisting layouts I always keep things simple…
Funny.