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Sunday 16th October, 2011 - 12:38am with 0 comments
A lot of the time, I just want to cry because I’m happy. I often feel very lucky, because I have a home, I have food and money and friends and family. Though we don’t always get along I appreciate them so much. I feel lucky that I have an education and that I have talents that other people would probably kill for; I acknowledge that I am prettier than some; but all the same, I still shed a few tears knowing that I am loved for who I am; that I am often appreciated; that despite all the hardships, I have had people help me; that I have friends by my side even though I am often grumpy, selfish, temperamental and bitchy – and at the end of the day, no matter how long, hard and tiring it is, it always puts a smile on my face. ♥
crossposted from Google+
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Love/Hate
Monday 29th August, 2011 - 9:20pm with 0 comments
I always said I had a love/hate relationship with some people. Sometimes I vow, that I’ll never talk to them again, and that usually doesn’t happen. I muster every bit of strength I can to do it, but I can’t.
Other times, we’re in a pit and the other person just goes away and leaves me. I still try ever so hard not to go back to them, not to talk to them, but I still can’t. Something, somewhere along the line, makes me reach out and yank on that thread a little bit, hoping they’ll come back from the other end.
When I love and hate someone at the same time, I truly love them. It’s why I feel their disturbance in every way, it’s why the little things make me realise the worst of them, but despite that, despite how selfish they can be, how rude, insolent, hurtful – I know that’s their worst foot forward. What more can they do? When you’re forced to know the worst of each other because you fight each other, you realise that it’s impossible to measure how much you love them, it’s impossible to reason with your own feelings.
You love them. You just do.
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There are notes
Tuesday 21st June, 2011 - 11:29pm with 0 comments
I found one, the one you sent, in 2008. It was inked onto paper; I lost the original.
Thank you for today. I love it when you smile, when you laugh. I hope, I have been with you in your darkest hours, like you have been with me in mine. Your smile is like sunshine and your eyes are the most gentle I’ve seen. Your love is like a dream but it is real. I can’t escape what I feel, it’s in everything you are.
Thank you for smiling, for holding my hand. For holding onto me and telling me that it would be okay.
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this city could be ours by nightfall
Monday 30th May, 2011 - 1:17pm with 0 comments
I love you.
If they said 40 years
I would die before I let them take the love that I have paid for with my tears
And now the time has come to cut our tongues out
And commit ourselves as you did in your memory
You know who you are. You make me smile. Regardless. Always.
Always.
bitter uprising — the classic crime
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Love Is Not a Competition (But I’m Winning)
Tuesday 19th April, 2011 - 10:51pm with 0 comments
Can I just say. I want to lie down under the stars with my closest friends. I want to watch the stars twinkle in the night sky. I want to watch the moon stay still, the seas of tranquillity almost visible to the naked eye. I want to listen to the breeze. I want to hear the sound of the night.
Can I just say. It’s dark and it’s cold but sometimes you have all you need right there. I want to be in the dark. And yes, I’m scared of it. But if I have all that I need, then maybe I won’t be. I want to hold someone’s hand – anyone’s – the hand of anyone I know.
I want to squeeze it, tell them how much they mean to me. Do I really have to keep saying that? Does it really need saying?
I want to smile, realise I have companions who will be there for-almost-ever. Where for-almost-ever is the time that we are. The time that we have. One, two, three, whatever time we have. Not that we have left. But in knowing that we’re dying from the moment we’re born, it’s yet another truth we put behind us.
There are more truths. More love, more smiles and just knowing.
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Broadway is dark tonight
Wednesday 13th April, 2011 - 11:53pm with 0 comments
Tell me that you miss her. Because sometimes I want to know, sometimes I think about what was the past between you two. And boy, are you a coward. I look at someone else I know now, and the words that bring tears to my eyes.
I can’t tell whether I’m happy or sad but I think of you and I think of the stories you told me, and honey you were a fool. You dropped her when there was something. I don’t know why the miles between you could have separated each of you, and in that I won’t say she is the fool – for you ran away.
You ran away and it makes me wonder if you wanted to go and see her. I don’t know her, but I know you, and you could have done something.
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Over my head
Wednesday 30th March, 2011 - 2:11pm with 0 comments
Five years ago, I liked a guy. We dated for a while. It was very on-and-off. For over a year I kept telling myself we’d be ‘on’ again, but no, I wouldn’t bring myself to think of us being ‘off’, forever.
So in that time I was in the dark many people tried to help me and I’d either push them away or fall for it, and they never gave me the light I was looking for. And I wouldn’t ever find the same switch again but I wouldn’t know.
I’m hearing my dad mowing the lawn now and I think that those sounds kind of expressed the passion of my pain; the sounds just a growling ache that tried and successfully ripped at what tried to grow. I tried to grow a thick skin and I guess I just mowed out all the grass there ever was and there was no strength left of myself apart from the strength that I used to scream and yell and cry about what was incredulously stupid.
I start thinking of Pelican Blood and aligning the plot with the feelings I had, which don’t really equate with much of how I should have felt.
Years on we’ve bumped into each other once, and have the occasional conversation via instant messaging. Do I care? Well, he’s not gone. And I know for a fact that that light isn’t coming back. The switch burned out in the house fire and I threw everything away and moved on. And I don’t know what to think anymore, I don’t know why I bother.
He hasn’t gone, so there is a reason why he is still here even just to still be classified as a ‘friend’. Not among the friends I can count on the fingers of my hands as being the people that matter to me the most, though he might have been there for some time. I don’t try to have friends, and I’m not trying to keep him. I’m not attached, and as I said: it’s ‘off’.
I feel like, in the words of my mother, I cannot be bullied. I won’t let people bully me. In that, and in everything that I went through in 2006, 2007, and what more, I feel like my voice is the answer to every opportunity there is for someone to treat me like I am not me. Because I’m not changing for people, and I won’t give in anymore. I don’t want people to go about thinking I’m something disposable that they can use when they see fit. Perhaps I do have to prove I’m better than the people who treat me like crap.
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Tuesday 25th September 2007
Monday 14th February, 2011 - 11:38am with 0 comments
I found this the other day…
“Then he packed up and was just sitting there twiddling his thumbs (quite literally, actually).. and when there were about twenty minutes to go, I watched him, and then all of a sudden he did that cute toothy grin of his, and grabbed his exam paper, flipped to some page, and I think he wrote something. It was so cute and random, and his toothy grin like that… x)”
I wrote this on the date in the title of this post. James calls it the year of pre-love. ♥ ♥
Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetie. :3
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Heartbeats
Friday 14th January, 2011 - 10:55pm with 0 comments
I’ve got a mild headache, and something tells me to sleep early. I took a nap today, for about an hour or so. Surprisingly, I’m quite tired now. All I have to do is switch my laptop off and jump into bed – having already brushed my teeth and all.
I’ve made it through nearly half of this month and it makes me smile… I honestly believe that things are getting better now. Sometimes little things make me smile and I just want to reach out and hug the nearest person.
I woke up this morning with a funny pain in the left of my chest. No, I said to myself. Don’t be silly, you aren’t dying.
The old me would have said, I’m dying, I’m dying. What will people think? Will they miss me? Will they? Why is this happening to me? A small part of the old me would be happy. But it would also be selfish.
This is me, and I’ve changed. I try to smile every day. I try to focus on what is good. I try to stay happy. I try to be positive. I still love to be vague; I still love to be philosophical and deep; I still have racing thoughts about life. But I’m also more practical than I was when my depression hit a peak.
I thought, Ouch. Did I sleep funny? Does my heart ache from not seeing James for twelve hours? I sit up and stretch. Through the day I let myself rest. Is my heart beating too hard? Is my heart too big for my body? Ah, maybe I just pulled a muscle.
Maybe I moved too much yesterday. Maybe I moved too much in my sleep. Maybe I danced, danced under the stars.
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Remember when they were in love?
Saturday 27th November, 2010 - 8:49pm with 1 comment
Why should it be anyone’s business to voice their opinions about other people’s relationships to others? Isn’t that ever so rude? For instance, what person dares to tell someone, “I bet it won’t last between you two.”
What the hell is that? By all means, have thoughts about a couple breaking up, a couple making it to the end, a couple eventually cheating on each other – but keep that shit to yourself. I know, we all get curious, we want to know who’s dating who, but if you’re going to think that the couple will not last, don’t go and crush either party’s dreams about their relationship.
Yes, we all have our thoughts on a couple lasting or not lasting. Sometimes we get doubtful when people believe in and/or think that the person they’re with is “The One”. Maybe they’ve only been together for a few weeks and don’t know for sure, but who are you trying to kid? They could be wrong, but they could also be right. Time is just the amount of time you can say you’ve been with someone.
Time is of the essence. If you’re going to measure a relationship by time, then consider this. One half of the couple goes away into another country. One half of the couple goes into a coma for a month. One half of the couple falls ill, or is mute due to tonsillitis and cannot adjust to talking to his significant other because he simply has not talked to her in ways other than verbal speech.
Or whatever floats your boat. Compare this to a couple who met a few short months ago, but recently got stuck in a mine underground and were trapped for several weeks with only each other to talk to, sing to, spend endless time in front of…
So you might think that people belong or don’t belong together. Perhaps it even breaks your own heart when a lovely couple breaks up. But then – in that case, how do you know, really, what goes on in the relationship? If you question why a couple is together, or doubt that a couple will last, or even become so shocked and surprised when a couple split, then is there really much of a reason to investigate or find the deepest answers to your questions?
This is love. It’s a sky lift taking you up and down and around. People get off and on for the ride. Sometimes together, sometimes alone. And it takes its own natural course. If there is anything we must be towards couples, we must go on the journey with them instead of opposing when we think it’s wrong, and instead of coercing when we think it’s right.