It took a while to learn.
Wednesday 13th October, 2010 - 9:26am with 2 comments
I found this on my old blog, dated 1st January 2007:
“I read through all the emails I sent and think myself stupid. Why do I have to cry over something stupid like that? But I can’t help it. The counsellor said that we always remember the loves where we get hurt – never the ones where we hurt someone else. So I’m mad and crap, and feel like he should burn in hell for ruining my life.
But alright, I never thought that maybe I hurt the boyfriend I had before him. Life. It’s fair enough. I read those emails and wonder why I ever bothered to cry and mourn and grieve. I know it’s bloody normal, but I don’t feel like it is. There were also the emails when I swore and I was mean. When I started to bitch to get everything out. It helped, but now I’ve lost an honest opinion. I don’t know what I think. Bitching didn’t help much, at that point. So what I did was I cut.
I started cutting myself on my arm. Long bloody slashes with scissors. I learnt now – it doesn’t help. It won’t get you anywhere. It gave me temporary relief. But it never took away a hundred percent of my pain. I try and tell myself that nothing is ever worth cutting myself. Well nothing is. But it won’t work. A lot of things need to be hammered into my brain.
Staring, forlorn, at what remained of my cuts. And I felt, as I thought about how far I still have to go, the tears burned behind my eyes. Tears are words the heart can’t say. Even yet, words cannot be trusted completely. Life will forever remain unsure in the hands of those who weep too much. Such as I, who will plead to recover and hope for a miracle.
A kind of miracle, that will grow, like a flower, an everlasting love. No matter how much the rain will fall and discolour it, it will grow, from strength to strength, each day. And I will feel my mistakes, and try to correct them, with doubt in my calibre, and I will fail.
And when I do, only then will I realise how nothing can be perfect.”
I still did it. It took me a while to realise that other people weren’t worth such pain.
Posted on: Wednesday, October 13th, 2010 at 9:26 am
Categories: Contemplation
Tags: depression · past
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Kim-Lan
Wednesday 13th October, 2010 at 8:42 pm
Georgie dear, you scared me just now with that old post of yours. I didn’t see this blog before. You seem angry and hurt at times, why? Just like you said, people really are not worth pain. The only pain you feel is the pain you let yourself feel. People are all external factors, whatever you do are your descisions, and not theirs. You have control over your own life and how you let the people around you affect you, is your choice.
Please love yourself, that is all we have to do in this world. It is easier said than done, I know. Everyone has their dark past or present, including me. But I want to tell you as a friend: All you have to do is love yourself. Okay? :) The control panel of your life is all yours.
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